Sometimes I have a little wobble. Today was one of those days. She crept up on my notice via a mutual friend and suddenly filled my thoughts. I caught my breath and felt that familiar tormented yearning for her touch. It hits me hard sometimes and it takes me a moment or so to recover. But recover I always do, and just like the smoker who passes on cigarettes, it gets easier each time – but, and I know this from experience, that yearning never goes away entirely.
I think now that I am no longer in love with her, I am in love with the idea of loving her. It’s a sweet, sweet pain to feel.
I know that she will always have a small piece of my heart. I know that I will always think of her. I know that when I close my eyes she will not be far from sight. I know that I will miss her, always.
I know that I also have to forge ahead with my life and my future. I cannot wallow in the past or lament mistakes made or poor choices chosen. That way madness lies. Life is something which happens whether you like it or not. It’s a messy, brutal affair. No-one gets out alive. All you can do is smile at the memories. Remember the good times. Learn from what went before. And make a promise to yourself that you’ll always be true and always try to do the right thing.
Even if that thing, that right thing, is the one thing which hurts you most of all.
The demise of my last relationship was crushing. Despite the smile I wore. Despite the indifferent words which spilled from my lips. Despite the apparent ease with which I handled the disappointment of losing her. The loss was a crushing weight and I thank my stars I had kind hands to help lift the unbearable load.
Yet no matter how tough it was. Or how unjust I felt my treatment was. Or how much I wanted to respond to the words and actions of another. I like to think I managed to come through those times with my head held high and with dignity.
After seeing a very public relationship be brutally torn asunder at the weekend in a most undignified way, I give thanks that I had the courage to weather those times without resorting to name calling, blaming and pettiness. There were things I wanted to say. There were wrongs I longed to be righted. I suffered frustrations and personal humiliations and financial loss. But despite all that I remained strong.
I wanted to. But I would always think, “what is the purpose and can anything come of it?” The answer was typically “no” so I held my tongue.
And I am thankful that I did, because no matter what others may think I can truthfully say I handled myself well. My last relationship began with deceit and lies but it ended honourably. For this simple thing I am thankful.
It’s often difficult to be the bigger person when it comes time to walk away. We resort to hurting to mask our pain. I had the resilience to handle it this time, and I’m a better person for it.