Recently I have been struggling a little bit. Call it stress, call it anxiety, call it whatever I don’t know but it’s been tough. My mind is not on the ball. I seek the solace of being alone. I’m disengaged, disinterested, distant. It’s taking it’s toll on my relationship and that relationship is the one good thing that keeps me grounded. I cannot allow my issues and insecurities – if that’s what they are – to cause a rift between us. It cannot happen. I need help.
It takes a lot to say that: I need help. I’m a strong person. Relied upon. Depended upon. Maybe that’s the issue.
Last night I had to take myself out of the home as my stress got to the point where I couldn’t cope. I drove just out of town and parked up. The pressure felt physical. Like my skull being compressed. I know she is trying to help but the persistent questioning, querying, asking, just doesn’t help in the slightest. When someone asks ‘what’s wrong’ and you don’t have an answer for them it’s frustrating for both. This morning I opened up a little bit. The problem isn’t her, the problem is me. It’s my issue. It’s things I haven’t dealt with. It could be any of the following or a combination of them or all of them:
Dad – did I deal with his abandonment of me when I was thirteen or his death?
Clare – I didn’t deal with her passing away.
Tom – my relationship with my boy is damaged.
Ellis – my youngest brother is suffering with his mental health and my family is struggling with that!
Mike – my relationship with my closest brother is a struggle.
Work – I enjoy my job but it can be traumatic. Am I dealing with the trauma?
Money – Things are hard at the moment. Debt and the rising cost of living.
Each is an issue – and they’re just the ones I have identified. There could be other things lurking under the surface. I just know that I am struggling to cope with things and I lack healthy coping mechanisms. So I am going to ask for help. I am looking to get help. I am aware that self-help is a huge part of recovery/wellness and this; well, I have always found writing stuff down to be helpful.
This is the start, then, of a series of posts exploring my issues and, hopefully, helping me identify ways to fix them.
Grumpy old man who'd rather be in the bloody pub.