2) All about my feelings

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m an unfeeling emotionless jerk with a heart of black, cold stone. Other times I get caught out by the smallest of tragic tragedies and I’m a mess. When the aeroplanes crashed into the World Trade Centre and Pentagon I didn’t shed a tear. Not a single celebrity death has made me sad – at least no sadder than if I, for example, stood in a puddle in new shoes. Yet I once saw a small child drop an ice cream on the floor before the first lick. That tugged my heart strings. I once saw a woman trying to scrape together enough change from in her purse to buy a pint of milk. That thawed the glacial lump in my chest; especially when she looked about part mortified, part imploring. I didn’t offer her the money she needed as she was embarrassed enough.

Tom makes me sad as often as he makes me happy. Something he said once which I have mentioned before about us not living together yet living in each other’s hearts. When we spend time together and I see how much he is growing and how little influence I have upon him.

My Dad dying affected me very little. I was saddened by the realisation that I wasn’t sad, if you get my meaning; that our relationship meant so little to me that I couldn’t mourn his passing.

Clare’s death ruined me for time eternal. I’ll never get over her.

I feel like I don’t feel enough, but then when I do feel it is too much. Most of the time I keep my feelings protected in a box inside another box inside another box inside another. But sometimes something gets through the boxes; penetrates the defences. It’s never usually much. It’s an advert for Cancer Research, an image of two people holding each other. It’s loss, grief, pain, injustice.

It’s a written word, a spoken thought, a painful memory.

Sometimes I feel like I’m an unfeeling emotionless jerk with a heart of black, cold stone and other times I get caught out by the smallest of tragic tragedies.


7 thoughts on “2) All about my feelings

  1. I find it really interesting that this post is “All about your feelings” yet you only talk about sadness

    Perhaps not as closed as you think you are. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I want to echo Not Really Rosie’s sentiments. What is it about you which makes you immediately think of sadness when feelings are mentioned? Do you feel happiness, positives? Do you love yourself? That’s the key to happiness in my oh-so-very-humble opinion. If you cannot feel love and affection for yourself, how can you feel love and affection for another soul? I, sadly, don’t think that you can.

    Perhaps it’s just recent experience which has made you be so down on yourself. I have read your blog. You have been through a tumultuous time in recent years. Are you recovered yet, Mr. Sarcastic? Are you over the worst? Are you ready to move on, forgive yourself and be happy?

    Liked by 1 person

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