Blogging helps me to remember and to rationalise, especially when I’m going through a difficult period in my life, such as I am now. It helps me to recollect how I reached a decision; the thought process and the feelings I felt. It enables me to ‘empty my head’ to somewhere that I can better understand and manage my thoughts. Right now, at this juncture in my life, I’m turning to my blog to help me get through the bad times, keep the faith, stay the course, and come out the other side in one piece (and maybe smiling).
Today I had the thought that the path I have embarked upon was – Gasp! – The wrong one.
It would be best, I told myself, for us to call a truce and work towards a settlement that kept our family together. That would be the easy option; the best option for us both. This is what I was telling myself! I know!
Doing the right thing is doing the hard thing. No matter how I look at it, the next couple of years are going to be tough; tough financially, and tough emotionally too. Yesterday I had to stop myself from crying at work over the thought of losing Thomas. I know I’d see him a lot, but not being able to see him each morning when he woke up and each night when he went to bed is killer. I don’t like the idea of being away from him. It hurts to think about it too much. As many people have said to me, staying together for the kids in the wrong thing to do and I agree wholeheartedly, but if there was one thing I would stay for, it would be Thomas. And it would be worth it in my own deluded little brain.
But I know it would be wrong on him, on her, and on me. A separation is the best course of action for two people who don’t love each other. Agree? Good.
So I come back to the blog to reinforce and remember why I made this decision and why I must stick with it. It’s the right thing to do and is already changing my outlook on life. I can’t turn away from that which is right in front of my eyes. If in doubt, reading my own words is enough to keep me on course.
Even though we’re getting on reasonably well at the minute, doesn’t mean we’re good together or ever will be. If we can co-exist in the same circle for the sake of Thomas, that’s great. And if we can be friends, that’s great too. But we’re not lovers; haven’t been for a long time, and won’t ever be again. The writing is on the wall, and has been for a long, long time.
The problem we have now is how to extrapolate ourselves from the situation we’re in. How do we undo a 30 year commitment in such as way that neither of us is left damaged by the fallout financially? How do I assuage some of the guilt I feel over this entire shitfest of a situation. Yes, I feel to blame. I dragged her from somewhere she was very happy with the hope of a future for us. Four months later and I’m backtracking. She should, by rights, hate every fibre of my being. Not just because of what I have done to her but also for what I have done to Thomas. I feel responsible. I feel guilty. I feel like I am to blame and need to make amends. I also need to consider that I have inadvertently wrapped Terry up in this whole mess. That’s total bad times. Not at all what I wanted to do and I feel responsible for that too.
Okay. The easiest thing for me to do is to say ‘fuck it’ to the entire thing. Force/push for a sale of this house at a loss on what we paid for it, and move back to my old house. I’d be happy there and I would manage very easily financially either with Terry with me or by myself. This new house can go under, I’ll take on the chin any financial penalty that come with it such as having to still pay off the mortgage after the sale or having to cover the bank loan. The risk is that the house doesn’t sell quickly and I end up having to pay for it and pay for the old house too (if I live there) and end up defaulting and suffering a repossession. That would ruin both of us financially for at least the next six years. On the flip of that, I have the old house so after the six years in the financial wilderness I’d have a house with equity, and be okay. She’d not come off as well and would be stuck in rental hell for the foreseeable.
Neither of us can afford to stay here by ourselves. I’ve said I’d leave, but she couldn’t stay if I did. She said she’d leave and the only way I could stay would be if I rented out both of the other rooms in the house in order to generate some income to help pay the mortgage. She messaged me today and said she wasn’t happy to remain on the mortgage and not live here. I can understand where she’s coming from in this, but there’s no way the bank will sign the house over to me until such a time as I can show I’m able to afford it; and that will only be possible through getting a few months rent history behind me.
It will be hard financially to keep it going, but the alternative is financial meltdown and I don’t want that for either of us.
Of course, if I do take the hard route of renting out the rooms, then signing over the house to just me, the rewards are eventually going to be great. How many other people in my position and with my earning potential will own two homes? Not many, for sure. It’s just that getting there is risky and tough.
But then, anything worth having is worth fighting for. The combination of terrible alternative for us all and the promise of future rewards makes this a simple enough choice. I’ll take over the house. Rent out the rooms, and then eventually move to take it over solo.
And that, ladies and gents, is why I love this blog. It helps me to render thoughts into black and white. It assists in the making of decisions.
Well done if you made it this far. Treat yourself to some Janelle Monáe (and comment if you wanna):