I am a big shit, a coward, and a pussy.
Last night we had a talk about us and we both agreed we’re not working and probably never will. The thing is; I’m not willing to change for her. I don’t love her (enough?) for me to go through a metamorphosis into a modern family man. I am me. I like being me. Sure, sometimes I don’t; but every genius is beset by self-doubt on occasion (delusions of grandeur!).
Man, it’s almost as if I can’t take this seriously. There is a certain comedy/tragedy about us. The number of times we’ve been on then off then on again is embarrassing. And, the situation as it stands is that this cannot go on any more. We cannot keep doing this. It’s unfair on us, it’s unfair on our respective families who have to support us when it all goes to shit, and ultimately, it’s unfair on Tom who, at three years old, cannot understand what’s going on. He’s had so many homes in his nearly four years that I feel sick. If there is any justification for my self-loathing it’s him; that ‘poor little soul’ who gets stuck in the middle of us when we destroy our relationship. It makes me feel a little bit sick. He deserves better. He deserves some stability, at least.
I hate that I can’t love her. That’s the crux of the situation. I don’t love her enough to be able to work at or fix what little we have left. That ship sailed.
BUT, and this is the killer. I need to remember that and live that and respect that. I can’t U-turn and try and put this all back together in a year or 6 months or similar. It’s done. It’s over. Am I trying to convince myself?
I don’t think I need any convincing. I cried a little bit when I saw Tom this morning. And it breaks my heart to know that I won’t see him every day. It’s killer and it almost makes me want to work at this. To stay together for the kids is a tragic mistake but one I have given much consideration. Can I sacrifice my happiness for living with my boy and forging a family relationship with them both? Can I forgive the lack of communication? The lack of affection? The lack of intimacy?
Is HE worth it?
But I will only be delaying the inevitable if I do. I will only be putting off an inevitable break up if I stick with this. And at least (excuses, Alan) now he’s young enough to bounce back from this and enjoy life. With two parent who love him, and two parent who are happy rather than resenting each other.
It’s so hard. It really fucking hurts though to say goodbye to him. Even though I will see him as much as I can, it won’t be every day and it won’t be like it is now. I can ensure though, that he knows I love him, and I can make sure the time we do spend together is time spent well. Time spent in love a father has for his son. Quality time.
This is right. It hurts. But it’s right.
I have to remember that.