Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Dear Dad,

I’ve been sat here for an hour trying to think of someone else that I have missed, even remotely, so that I would not have to write another letter about you. I already tried writing about you on Day 11 and Day 12. That didn’t go so well, and these are the only two days so far where I have failed to complete the daily challenge. I don’t count that as having failed the challenge totally, as this experimental journey is not so much about writing 30 bloody letters, but instead about – well, it is about writing 30 letters, but not about the actual writing, more about the letters. Look, it’s late, and I’m not making much sense. What the fuck ever.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I was trying to think of someone who I have missed more than you. And I just can’t. I have missed you since I was 13 years old. I have missed you for 20 fucking long years of feeling abandoned. The damage you’ve done… Paul, Dad, all I ever wanted was for you to be there for me. To love me. To encourage and guide me. I didn’t want your money, I only wanted your time. ANd now it’s too late, because you’re kinda dead and I kinda said/did a lot of things around the time of your funeral which you probably wouldn’t like. You might understand them, but you’d not like them. I was disrespectful to someone you loved. I was hurting. And I maybe was jealous that you loved her and you didn’t love me. Or maybe you did. In your own way. Either way, it doesn’t really matter now. The last time I saw you alive was in 2003. I do regret not keeping in touch. That is probably the first time I have admitted that. I always thought about you, and even now you’re no longer alive, I think about you still.

I miss you. I love you. No matter what you did, or didn’t do. No matter how our relationship panned out. I realise that I love you unconditionally. As only a son could love his father, or a father could love his son.

Who am I crying for? Am I crying for you? Or am I crying for me?

I promise that I will make you proud.

I miss you.

Alan


3 thoughts on “Day 15 — The person you miss the most

  1. Probably wasn’t easy getting that out but I bet it felt good. Even if you read it back to yourself and realized how you actually feel instead of struggling with it, now it’s out, open and free. Good job man, seriously.

    I never knew my father either. My mom moved back home with me when I was young, and I think it was because the old man was (is) an alcoholic. She didn’t want to be around that and didn’t want me to be around it either so she left. Over the years he’d send me birthday presents and the occasional phone call but those ended by the time I was around 10 I think, possibly before, I don’t remember.

    I didn’t hear from or see my father until 2000 when at the age of 20, I moved to the city he lives in (which is a 9 hour drive from here). He actually got me a job (setup by my mother) working where he works. One night, just like that, I had packed my bags and moved to his place, knocking at the door of my father who, technically, I’ve never met. It was 4am and I had just got off the bus. It’s hard to explain the feelings, they were just numb feelings. Not fear, not really anything. He opened the door and for the first time we laid eyes upon one another. It was a weird moment but we both went with it and it worked out really well.

    I lived there for awhile and we got along great. He was a very easy man to get along with. We didn’t do much together as we were both working full but what killed it in the end was his wife. His wife most definitely wore the pants in that family and she didn’t like me. She’s crazy, to be honest, not all there. She didn’t want me there and in the end I left because I couldn’t be around her.

    I still lived in the city and worked but I didn’t spend much time with my father and eventually I moved back home at 21. I haven’t spoken to him since. Neither of us tried to stay in contact and I don’t really know why. I think we could be great friends!

    I question myself if I should make contact and try to at least open conversation with him on the phone. That relationship would surely be better than none, right? But I get nervous and almost break down every time I get close to the phone to do that. I’d really like to find out if he has email, I think any communication would be good.

    He’s getting old, he’s gotta be close to pushing 60 and with the amount he drinks and smokes that can’t be a good thing. I don’t know his heath situation, hell he could have passed on and I don’t even know if his wife would contact me to tell me, I just don’t know.

    I think tomorrow I’m going to try and call him. After reading your post and thinking about it I think it’s something I need to just do.

    Like

  2. I called. We didn’t speak for long but he said he was happy that I called, that he loved me, etc. I don’t know if he was drunk or what but he didn’t seem to want to do too much talking (and he was hard to understand – think he was tired/drank a bit). He got the basics out of the way, like how are you, how’s your mom, are you married, etc, and then just kept saying he was glad I called.

    I told him I didn’t see a reason why we can’t keep in touch and he agreed. He said he’d call me and he even walked around looking for a pen and paper to write down my number until I heard his wife in the background say “it’s on the phone”. He’s said before he’d call and hasn’t so his words felt a bit empty there. I had heard that all before, but I’m OK with that because I can call him, and I plan too. I think I’m going to give him a call on the weekend, Sat or Sun afternoon. He’s 65 and works full time and I know he likes to come home from work, sip a few beers, eat, and relax so calling him on weekday evenings probably isn’t the best. I mean I still feel kind of good about it but I would have liked to have talked longer. It’s been 9 years since we talked and a 5-10 minute phone call wasn’t what I was looking for. So I’ll call him on the weekend and try to get him before he engages in his drink time.

    But I mean just picking up the phone and doing it was the hardest part I think. I just basically tricked myself into doing it. I got up, sat down at the phone but this time instead of thinking about it I just called and next thing I know that was that.

    Honestly what I’d really like to do is just go down to where he lives for even just a night or two and take him out to the bar (nice little tavern by his house actually) and just have a few drinks and shoot the shit. I think that would be the best way but sadly I don’t own a car. If I’d stop spending all this money on PC peripherals and other crap I don’t ‘need’…. well now I’m rambling.

    Anyway, thanks for giving a shit and thanks for the article. Inspired me to do something I wouldn’t probably have done other wise.

    Cheers man!

    Like

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