I want to try to avoid this blog becoming a sad man’s tale, but I feel currently disconnected, disjointed, not part of the world. I’m struggling to take any satisfaction in anything. It’s an odd state of being. It could just be that I am away from my family under a cloud of uncertainty, it could just be part of my natural cycle of mental wellbeing. I’m not depressed but I’m far from happy in my life right now. Job wise, relationship wise, family wise, financially. . . Everything just kinda feels . . . Shit.
It’s an interesting cognitive cycle, because I know how I feel, and I know why I feel it, and I know, in part, how I would resolve things, but I don’t want to take action to put things right in my head. It’s almost as if I want to feel shit. Masochistic? While I feel this way I can hide behind it and refuse to deal with the crap I have to. It’s almost like using the symptoms to refuse to deal with the cause. I know that eventually I will have to snap out of this mood I am in and get busy living, but I’m finding an almost perverse contentment in unhappiness. Funny state of affairs isn’t it?
J is back from her holiday tomorrow and I’ve taken the day off work so I can get the house nice for her. It hasn’t really been lived in (I’ve been at work, computering, and then sleeping) for a week and it’s started to get that neglected look about it. Part of me thinks that I needn’t bother if I might not be living there for much longer, but then I think that I might actually want to work on / save our relationship. My defence mechanism has kicked in. Don’t want something just in case you don’t get it. That way you’re not disappointed if you don’t get it, and if you do it’s a bonus. I’ll continue telling myself that ‘I’m not bothered’ by what the result of our chat might be. I think I am, really, but why admit it and lose the false position of strength that comes through not really giving a shit? It’s best I maintain the pretence (to myself) that I don’t care.
Okay, of course I care. When I moved in I made a commitment to stick this out and make it work. I think it’s human nature to initially resist criticism of oneself. Besides, rejection fucking sucks. It doesn’t matter what format the rejection takes, it’s a very negative experience. If someone can tell me something positive about rejection, please do. There is a punch in the nose for the most bullshit condescending answer. Hmm. Thought so. Do I just care because I cannot handle rejection? Rejection has been a major part of my life and a major factor in my upbringing. Subsequently I’ve avoided or pre-empted rejection, and if that was not possible, handled it really badly. Just to emphasise that point, I discussed moving out to avoid the conversation which may lead to me moving out. At least then, I’d be in control of my destiny.
And perhaps in the end, that is what this is all about. Who controls me? Do I, or does that ‘responsibility’ lie with someone else? Am I the driver in my life or an unwilling passenger being taken to places I perhaps do not want to go? Do I struggle to gain control of the choice of destination of the journey, or do I stick, have confidence in my ability to handle the journey, and confidence that the driver knows well the road ahead?