Hmph

Well, J has jetted off to Majorca and kinda left me hanging. Let’s understate this a little bit. I’m not fucking happy. I have one wish in life, and that is to have some peace. I don’t care for success or riches or even happiness all that much, but peace … please. You know, the feeling of contentment, of settled, of undisturbed, unworried… you get the picture.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Why these conversations have to happen via message, I do not know, but this one did and I have not had a response to my last one. I guess when it starts, “I’m not even sure if you’ll get this because you said you were leaving your phone at home”, it’s possible that she didn’t even get it because she left her phone at home (but updating status on facebook from the airport would suggest otherwise).

Which means the message I sent back – quite reasonable and – well, judge for yourself:

I don’t even know if you’ll get this. You said you were leaving your phone at home. I wish you would just speak plainly, because I’m no good at guessing games. What have I done wrong? If it is something like spending too much time on the computer then just say that and I’ll do something about it. If I don’t know you’re pissed off I can’t fix things. Remember us blokes are thick and don’t do subtle so you need to say it. This is same old you and me. Something is wrong but nothing gets said and it festers. Can’t believe you still feel you can’t talk to me after all these years. Tell me straight so we can then have a conversation about things. Doing what you did then jetting off for a week is unfair. X

…has either not yet been read or ignored. ..and I’m kinda pissed off regardless. I mean, you’d think if you dump some shit on the doorstep of someone you love, you’d want to ensure they were okay and were dealing with whatever it is you’d dumped. I sent that above about 12 hours ago. No reply. She’ll be in bed now, no doubt.

But this entire thing has got me thinking. Do I really have it in me to live a life of uncertainty with someone who cannot speak to me for fear that I will get angry or upset? You know, I want to have a (in bold) PARTNERSHIP. A relationship of EQUALS, where both people are free to express themselves and … COMPROMISE on things which may be causing an issue.

Yep, I do spend probably too much time on the computer. You only have to look at how terrible it was when I had no internet to see that this is my major time-sink. I don’t like watching crap on TV. I don’t like Eastenders, or Corrie or Holby City. I’m not going to spend my life as a fucking couch potato glued to the TV from finish-work until bed-time. It’s not for me. I have a mind, an imagination, and I don’t want to be spoon-fed someone else’s misery in 30 minute doses fives times a week. I think I’d go nuts!

The internet and computer games give me an outlet from reality. It’s bare-faced escapism. Why escape from one ordinary life to another? Get bloody fantastical. Be someone/something/somewhere else! I love coming onto the computer and checking out what’s going on with the world. It keeps me from going mental.

But if it meant keeping the peace I would tone things down. This is where the compromise comes in though. I would not swap PC time for TV time. That is not what I consider a good trade or a sane one. If I am to reign in the computer, someone else needs to reign in the TV. I want to do things together. It’s difficult when Tom is concerned because he goes to bed sometime after 7, but it doesn’t mean the TV needs to be automatically switched on.

… Let’s talk.

……….

I’m annoyed that rather than say something this has come to this situation where I’m here on my own whilst she is in Majorca with Tom. I don’t know what the hell is going on in her head (I can guess, and I can ‘read between the lines’) and won’t until the problem is vocalised (or even put down on a text message). Give me the problem, I will solve it. Not hard, is it?

So yeah, now I don’t know what is going on. I’ve been at work today and all sorts of thoughts have been running through my head. Do I need to start looking for somewhere to live? I has rented out my own house to move in here so I can’t very well boot out a perfectly decent tenant because things got rocky here. That means I’m going to be on spare room websites trying to find myself acceptable living quarters. Am I over-reacting and will it all just blow over? Maybe, but there is a fundamental problem with this situation which is the ongoing inability to communicate. I’m not dumping that at her feet, I am equally as stunted when it comes to saying if something has annoyed me or pissed me off. Can you have a successful relationship with someone you don’t speak to about those things that truly matter? The one person you should be able to trust with anything and you can’t even bring yourself to say what’s on your mind. What the fuck am I scared of?

Maybe I’m scared of admitting the truth, which is that this isn’t working and no matter how hard we try, and how many times we do this thing, it just isn’t enough. We’re destined to find happiness (peace) with someone else and not each other. One thing I know for certain is that things cannot go on like this. We need a make-or-break situation. Something that either sorts us out or ends things for good.

The worry is that my concern is over the uncertainty I feel in the situation; my concern is not losing her. <– Perhaps that is the biggest truth of all.


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