I don’t want to go to the funeral

…so why do I feel compelled to? Mike is going, Joe is going. They seem intent on going. Is it just me that doesn’t want to? We discussed the occasion of the funeral briefly on Thursday night before going to get a little bit drunk. The current plan is to make our way to Grimsby and then all travel to Nottingham together. We agreed to keep the trip there to a minimum. We’ll go to the funeral service, then to the wake (or what-the-fuck-ever it’s called) to say hello to a few people, then we’ll leave.

Clean, simple, easy.

So the email I got this morning from Wife #3 should have been easy to reply to:

“Yes, we’ll be there on the day.

Thank you, good night.”

But I’m sat here and I’m thinking that I really do not want to go. Do I just not want to say goodbye? Do I feel as if I will be cheating on the relationship we did have by pretending it is something it id not? Have I become swept away with the idea of going on account of being there to meet Wife #3 and see my dead Father last week? I don’t have the answers.

I just text the boys to tell them that I’m not certain I want to attend the funeral. We’ll see what they come back with.


3 thoughts on “I don’t want to go to the funeral

  1. Just out of curiosity, are you the oldest or youngest out of you and your brothers? That may have something to do with it, if you’re the eldest then you feel obliged to go to support your brothers (granted, you already do, but you’ll feel more obliged)..

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  2. My first funeral experience was my granddad’s many years ago. I was told I had to go, that I had to travel in the mourning car with the other grandchildren, that I had to go to the wake, had to do this that etc. Controversially I refused – I didn’t want to do all those things and felt very uncomfortable being told I had to just because that’s how things are done. I did go to the funeral, but I went there alone, sat on my own, and did it my way. This wasn’t a very popular decision and I was made to feel like I was being deliberately awkward. Of course I wasn’t, I was simply dealing with things in a way that felt right to me, not someone else.

    Looking back I’m pleased I saw through the inevitable ‘noise’ that surrounds such emotionally charged events and went along to say my last goodbye to the old fool (he was) as that turned out to be important to me. Doing so in a Jason-shaped way was also important though, and I have no regrets about either.

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