Laid to rest

The funeral has been and went and it was, in general, a really shitty day. Hated every minute of it, from waking up to getting in the car to driving to the fake smiles and sympathies of distant relatives. The man they buried was not the man I knew. This loving, fun, caring— wait, are we talking about the same man? I think not!

I spent the day getting angrier and angrier. Every time someone asked me ‘are you alright’ and I replied ‘as well as can be expected’ I wanted to say, ‘I’m fine! THANK YOU FOR ASKING! Get me the hell out of here.’

I didn’t want to be there. I had accepted the loss of my Father many years before, and seeing these people falling over themselves to sing to high heaven how wonderful he was made me feel a little bit queasy. This was a man who abandoned his children and beat his wife. Not exactly ‘heaven material’, if you know what I mean…

Anyway.

I’ve avoided writing anything about this on here until now. And I have decided I don’t want to let ‘my dad is dead, and an asshole’ to become the blog theme. So this is the last I’m going to say on the subject.

It’s over. Done. Finished.

The. End.

I don’t want to go to the funeral

…so why do I feel compelled to? Mike is going, Joe is going. They seem intent on going. Is it just me that doesn’t want to? We discussed the occasion of the funeral briefly on Thursday night before going to get a little bit drunk. The current plan is to make our way to Grimsby and then all travel to Nottingham together. We agreed to keep the trip there to a minimum. We’ll go to the funeral service, then to the wake to say hello to a few people, then we’ll leave.

Clean, simple, easy.

So the email I got this morning from Wife #3 should have been easy to reply to:

“Yes, we’ll be there on the day.

Thank you, good night.”

But I’m sat here and I’m thinking that I really do not want to go. Do I just not want to say goodbye? Do I feel as if I will be cheating on the relationship we did have by pretending it is something it was not? Have I become swept away with the idea of going on account of being there to meet Wife #3 and see my dead Father last week? I don’t have the answers.

I just text the boys to tell them that I’m not certain I want to attend the funeral. We’ll see what they come back with.