Happy New year everyone, and um, hope you have a good one. Mine started, I guess it’s an understatement to say ‘badly’. I woke up in 2008 in an empty bed. Thomas is at my Mum’s and Jenny is at her parents. She left me last night and I don’t know if this is at all fixable. I got really drunk last night, stupidly drunk I think it is fair to say and I freaked out. I don’t know exactly why but it started something like I’d made a joke with her about marriage and that we aren’t and probably never would be. Terry was here, as was Linzi and it was, in all honesty, just a bit of fun. It was never meant to be serious, it was just that, a joke. Nothing more.
She took it badly, probably because she had been drinking also and probably because she was drunk too. She went all quiet on me and an atmosphere developed between us. Not at all pleasant. She came upstairs and Terry asks me if she is okay, she seems to be in a mood about something, so I follow her upstairs and she is on the toilet. I ask her what the problem is and she gives me the stock ‘nothing’ answer that is typical of all women. Oh dear, I think, this isn’t good. I persist. What is a matter with you? We have people here and you’re in a mood about something. She starts to cry which angers me. She tells me that I don’t care about her, that I don’t care for her feelings and I say some nasty things sometimes and all the time I’m thinking, it was a joke, it wasn’t serious. There was no nasty intent. She cries more and I get exasperated about the situation. We have guests, we’re supposed to be going out as a foursome and she’s up-fucking-stairs crying whilst Terry and his new girlfriend sit down stairs probably feeling awkward as fuck. I mean, what the hell? It’s New Years Eve for God’s sake. I lost it and started shouting at her. Now I remember it I was right in her face bawling at her. It was very bad of me but – what the fuck do I mean ‘but’, there is no excuse. It was very bad of me and I was very drunk which made matters worse. I turned round and punched the door, putting a whole through it and it hurt like a bastard. This made me feel even worse and I went fucking nuts taken out all my aggression on an inanimate door. I don’t know what I might have done otherwise. I can understand why she was scared.
But then she mentioned Thomas, and she said that she was afraid for her and afraid for him. Oh my God, talk about red rag to a bull. Nobody should ever question a Father’s devotion to his Son. Nobody ever should do that. I mean, c’mon, he’s my boy and I love him more then life itself. Which is why I am so ashamed of what I did later.
Terry, who, bless him, has sat quietly whilst the storm rages around him says he’s leaving.
I understand, mate. I’m sorry, hope you have a good night. Really sorry.
He walks out, no, as he is walking out Jenny comes down stairs and picks up the car keys. I have to wrestle these fucking keys off her thinking that if she drives she’ll end up killing herself and my son will grow up without a mother. I take the keys off her and she storms out the house followed by Terry and Linzi.
I wait for a few moments to catch my breath then I go after her. I catch up to her on the corner and she is crying into her phone. Talking to her Dad, telling him what has happened between sobs and asking him to come get her. I put my hand on her shoulder and she screams at me. Oh shit, she’s really freaked out now.
Listen, I say, I’m not going to hurt you, I never would. I love you. I would never lay a finger on you.
She tells me, ‘You destroyed the door! I don’t want to see that, I don’t want Thomas to see that.
He won’t, I reply, I’m sorry, I lost it. I love you Jenny and I’d never hurt you come home. Let’s talk about this.
No, I’m going, my Dad is coming to pick me up and I’m going.
Please, just stay we can work this out. Don’t fucking throw this away Jenny. Jesus!!
She doesn’t want to know. Her Dad comes tearing up the road, obviously panicked by her plea for assistance and she jumps in the car and they drive away.
She’s gone and I come back home, still pissed. I come back up stairs and I finish off the door smashing it off it’s hinges. It’s in the back yard now in pieces. I’ll have to replace it. At least – and it’s mental that I think of this, but at least I have the money I would have spent last night to spend on a new door.
The door is gone, Jenny is gone and I’m in my house all alone on New Years Eve. I leave the house against and walk over to the shop around the corner wanting a cigarette for the first time in over a year but it is closed so I come back home and have another drink. I’m going crazy. What the fuck am I going to do? I try to call her but she doesn’t answer. I send her a message but she doesn’t reply. I call again, and again, and again, no answer. I’m losing it here. Should I drive over to her parent’s house? I’m very drunk and I contemplated getting in the car and driving over there. How stupid? There are easier ways to commit suicide and, this is where the shame comes in, I actually looked in the medicine tin for some paracetemol, thinking I have plenty of booze but can’t possibly drunk myself dead, but I can help it along with a dose of pills. I wanted to kill myself. What the fuck would Thomas do without his Dad? I can’t believe I considered it. I feel sick at the thought. I feel sick because I have to try to fix this mess I have got myself in. I have to try to work this out with her, or, and here’s the real bitch, do I?
Things have been hit and miss for some time now. We’ve been through bad times and good times and more bad times and several times in the last year we’ve been close to splitting up. Maybe that is what’s meant to be. Maybe we just aren’t meant to be together. I do not doubt that I love her, but is that enough if she has lost faith in me. Do I owe it to the relationship and to my family to give this another try? Do I let this entire relationship fade away? What about Thomas? My boy? What the fuck do I do about him?
It is out of my hands now. The ball is in her court. She needs to decide what she wants to do and I’ll have to be ready to react to that. She may decide that it’s over for good and I’ll have to respect her decision if that is the case. There is no point trying to save something that doesn’t want to be saved. I’d have to walk away.
I guess we see what today brings, huh? And after that what 2008 brings. I stand on the cusp of being a singleton again with an ex-girlfriend who has my first child. I could also bring it all back home and work everything out, but only if she wants that.
I guess we just have to wait and see.
Happy New Year, you guys.