Equals ten. I like ten, it’s a good solid round number. So I’ve seen Jenny today. She came in, picked up some things. Was here for about 15 minutes. I emailed her this morning, after she told me she was going to come over. Figured that she would not know what she was letting herself in for and thought I should set some expectations:
I can’t begin to describe how sorry I am or how bad I feel for last night. I lost it. I lost my temper and I lost control. I have no excuse for my behaviour. I can’t explain away what happened. It was me and my nasty side and I let it all out. I am sorry you had to experience it. I am sorry that I scared you and upset you. I did not want to do that to you. Jenny, I love you and I love Thomas and I do not want to lose my family.
I can understand if you have decided you do not want to be with me any more. I will respect that and I won’t fight it. If you love someone enough you sometimes have to let them go. I want you to be happy and for Tom to have a happy life. If I cannot give you that, if you feel I cannot give you that then I won’t blame you for leaving me.
I’m going to get help. I obviously have issues which I have not managed to deal with. I will speak to a counsellor in the new year and see if I can’t work out what is going on inside me to cause me to behave like that. I am normally so in control and I scared myself last night with how out of control I got.
I don’t know what else to say. I love you, I’m sorry. x
I sent it just as she walked in the door so she had no idea what was in my head or going through my mind at the time. I’ve had all day to think about this. I had to get out the house so I’ve been down the pub with Gee. Spent a good four hours and had just four drinks. Didn’t want to get too drunk and do something stupid, but now I want a drink and a smoke. This smoking thing has been creeping up on me since yesterday, but I must resist.
Had lots of thinking time and talking time. Reached the conclusion that maybe this is for the best. She has made the decision to leave me, I have not kicked her out. That eases my conscience even though I know that it is ALL MY FAULT. I mean, I have not forced her out or forced the decision upon her. She made her own mind up and left ME. That, and I know I sound like a selfish prick right here, but that makes me feel so much better. I mean, things have not been good for a long, long time now. We’ve been through this in the past quite recently, actually. We’re NOT good together. We DON’T make each other happy. If we did, would last night have happened? I don’t know, but quite possibly not. Last night was the culmination of weeks of stress. Having a child is hard work. It’s stressful. I good guy put it best when he said:
It’s simply this, Your both stressed from having a baby. You have lost a small piece of freedom that says you can go out together when ever you like. You have lost a full nights sleep. You have lost the ability to think of yourself first. That little guy is your number 1 priority and rightly so.
Dead right, but that is not the totality of it. Fact is, things have been turning sour for a long time.
Don’t get me wrong here, and this is the thing, but I love her and I always will. But is it enough? Would I have done what I did last night if I was truly happy? Do really completely happy people do that? I don’t know, but I think they don’t. So maybe this is it. Maybe I need to “carpe diem” …
Also, it’s awesome that the Google Ads on the side bar are offering me relationship advice. lol