Hurting

Maybe I just need to tell her to come home and that we can work this out if we’re both patient with each other and understanding. There is no doubt that at one time I did love her. She told me that she found the love I feel for her to be overwhelming. Why did it die? I just don’t understand how I can not love her like I used to love her. What changed to turn me away from her like this?

I know that I do still love her in one way. The problem is that old cliche of not being in love with her anymore. But is it possible to fall in love again? I don’t want her to be hurt or upset or angry. I want her to feel safe and happy and loved. I want him to feel the same. They both deserve it and I wonder if they deserve me too.

One thing that is for certain is that I do not deserve them. I can’t play with people as if they are toys. I can’t do it. It is not fair. I want her to come home but I fear that I want her to come home for the wrong reasons, because I’m lonely and feel guilty. But we had good times and we can have good times again. Oh fuck I’m so confused. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by pushing her away. I wonder if in years to come I will look back on this and say to myself, you didn’t try it. You didn’t give it a go. You crazy old fool. What you could have had is something special. A family who love you. A life worth living. Do I instead want to isolate myself from them? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything anymore. I just want the hurt to stop and I want the guilt to stop. Is that enough to take her back?

I want to pick up the phone and call her and tell her to come home to me right now. I want my family back.

UPDATE:

I’ve asked Jenny to come back to me. I have been sat here agonising over this relationship for the last few days and wondering if I have done the right thing.

Simply put, I can’t imagine my life without Jenny in it. She is like my best friend and I do love her. We have a child together and I feel that we need a chance to work this out. She was right. I was not patient enough. I didn’t give it enough time. I need to give it more time. We need to work this out. I can’t keep playing games with people. This girl deserves better than that so I need to commit to being a good man to her. I have not been. I have not supported her even though she needed me. I have hurt her and I am sorry for that. I want to make it all right once more. I want to fix that which is broken.

I want my family home.


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