Losing control

Feels like it’s been a while since I wrote. Maybe a month – yeah, ’bout that. I tried to post a week or so ago but lost my train of thought and then realised what I was typing was bullshit anyway so I trashed it. A month. Still no baby but I think it’s close. I’m trying to be upbeat/positive/excited, but part of me feels like I have no control at that moment. That’s hard to stomach. I’m no control freak (or maybe I am) but I like to know what the hell is going on. I don’t believe that ‘everything will work out right’. I believe that if you want things to be right you have to fight for them to be right. Otherwise they just are. I don’t want that. I don’t want just to be. I want more than that. Sometimes I feel like my life is running away from me and I am struggling to keep it going. There are so many people with so many opinions on what I should do, how I should feel, how I should act, what I need to consider, how to complete A to get to B to have a shot at C. Fuck it. I’m sick. I’ve spent this weekend getting up early and wanting to run for my life. This morning at 7am I wanted to get in the car and just vanish. For the day, not forever, you understand. I guess that even though I have not been driving long when I am in the car I am in control. I can choose to run a red, to break the speed limit. When to stop, when to go and when to smash the car into a wall at 60. It’s my choice, my control. I’m out of control and losing my grip on reality, it seems.

Sometimes I feel the weight of responsibility pushing down on me and I can’t stand it. My parents, her parents, her, friends and family and people I see in the fucking street all with preconceived notions of who I am and I’m none of them.

I don’t know if I can go on like this. Living in this lie I have constructed around me. The loving boyfriend and partner. The loving son and brother. The friend who you can trust. The guy who you can go to if you’re stuck at work. Him with all the answers to everyone’s problems except his own. Sometimes I just want it all to end. I’m not suicidal, I’m not emo. I’m just fucking pissed off with the current status quo but the same is what prevents me from changing it. Am I talking in riddles? Maybe. I’m trapped in a situation based around this relationship and a result of this relationship is that I am unable to escape this relationship. Clearer? Maybe. Maybe not. Read between the lines people. Work it out.

There is this girl I have a thing for at work. She knows about my situation and we talk everyday. She has feelings for me similar to mine for her. It’s like a connection between us. Difficult to put into words. Not love, and not base lust either. Something else. Something which means something beyond the overtly sexual. I look at her and something strange happens. I can be in the worst mood. I can be exhausted from the lack of sleep I’ve been getting recently but I look at her and I feel good. My mood lifts like the sun burning away early clouds. She smiles at me and I smile inside. I want her so much but I can’t have her. I can’t be with her. I can’t hold her. I can’t kiss her. All I can do is look at her and wonder what it is about her that makes me feel this way. As yet I have not found the answer. I have not ruled out the possibility that it’s the fact I can’t have her that makes me want her so much. That’s possible but I doubt it. I feel drunk looking at her sometimes. It’s a struggle to look away. Friday morning she was late for work. I spent 40 minutes constantly looking over my shoulder for her to arrive Hoping she would turn up and not leave me by myself. I saw her and I smiled – inside and out. I sat back, grinning from ear to ear. I was happy. Listen to that. I. Was. Happy. I’m not often happy but seeing her made me happy again.

I think about her all the time. About that ‘thing’ she has which consumes me so. I think about how we would be if we were together. If we could somehow find away through this god-awful mess I’m in and make a go of things. I think I could love her. I mean, I know I could give her all the heart I have. Not all my heart, just what’s left and undamaged. But for now I have to keep my feet firmly planted and not lose my tenuous grip on this situation – even if I really want to.

I have Thomas to consider now. I numero uno priority is to ensure he arrives safe and sound and is looked after. That’s more important that anything now. I have said previously that I do not regret him and I never will. Even though things could be easier for me if Thomas did not happen, I want him in my life more than anything. But can I sacrifice my own happiness for him?? I don’t think that I have to. No matter what happens with Jenny and I, Thomas will always be my son. He’ll always be a part of me and I will always love him more than life itself. I do not need to be with Jenny to love Thomas or for him to be okay and cared for and happy. I have never bought into that ‘we stayed together for the kids’ crap that some parents throw out there. If you’re unhappy in a relationship you need to consider that negative effects on the child. Arguments, falling out, affairs? Fighting, hating, atmospheres of contempt. It’s better to be apart and friends with a child in common than together and hating each other and taking that out on a child, using that child as a way of getting at each other. Fighting for preference. Disagreeing on how things should be done.

I don’t want that for Thomas and I don’t want that for me or for Jenny. We have the chance her to raise a beautiful little boy to be all that we want him to be. We have the chance to have a positive impact on the life of another human being. We cannot let anything get in the way of that. Not us, not our relationship, nothing. Sure, it’s going to be tough, it will be difficult, but I see no future in this relationship beyond Thomas getting here. That’s all I’m looking to now. That’s all I have planned. Thomas arriving is all I have managed to figure out. Beyond that – well, beyond that the book is not written.

I have attempted to justify staying with Jenny without success. I have attempted to work out how I can do this and keep everyone happy. The truth is I can’t. There are too many people involved who have an interest in us being together as a family. My Mum, Byron, my Brothers; Michael, Josef, Eton and Ellis. Jenny’s parents, her sister and Mark. Their children Evan and Hayden. I feel sometimes like I am going to let each and every one of them down with my actions. When I call this off I need to be prepared for a lot of flak from a lot of people that I respect and care for. I need to be prepared for their disappointment. Yes, it’s not about them and yes I need to do what is right for me and for Thomas, but I can’t help but feel bad for the other people involved in this. But what it comes down to is this:

I just don’t love her anymore.

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