I have been thinking that maybe my unhappiness, no my dissatisfaction with life in general runs deeper and is more complex than I first realise. Perhaps it is not just this relationship which causes me anguish but it is my life in general. My career, the choices I made regarding education, my future and the future of my Son. What if I got it all wrong all those years ago when I started down the path which lead me here, to a dead end job in an industry where nothing is certain. Can we build a future and therefore a life on employment in this industry? Just how easy do you think it would be for me to get another job that pays me what this one does if the worst came to the worst and this industry failed (or our jobs went to India which seems to be the trend for this line of work). What would we do? What would I do? How would I give my child the life he deserves?
Perhaps my problems are not personal but career orientated. Perhaps I am frustrated by the lack of a worthwhile occupation (which is not intended to be an insult to those others who also perform this or similar lines of work). Maybe I need to take this calamity, this breakdown, the demise of this relationship and also see to it that my current life/existence dies with it. Maybe I need to be reborn into something satisfying. Perhaps what I need is to matter. To do something with my life that makes a difference to someone.
I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe I should consider packing my things and leaving for pastures new. Ya, really, sometimes that grass really is greener on the other side. I could salvage my life still and through that I could ensure Thomas has a good start to life, a good education, everything he needs. I need to give serious thought to this. If I’m going to do it I have to do it now (as in this year – or next – but not later than that). I can’t dwell on things. I can’t mourn the loss of a relationship that was not meant to be, I need to act to make my life better.
Nobody will do it for me.