Jenny left this morning at my request. She packed a bag and returned to her Mothers. I guess it’s natural to fly to where one feels safest. I told her I need some space and time to deal with the relationship and work out if it is something we can save. I don’t know if we’re just so incompatible that there is no point in even trying to put the pieces back together. I don’t know if I want to try. That’s the shitter right there. How can I start repairing a damaged relationship if I lack the desire to start the repairs? Perhaps I have to just put this all behind me and move on. I don’t know. I mean, I do know. I know I need to move on but it’s (always) more complicated than that.
I can sum up the complication is one word: Thomas
Jenny told me that she feels things have not been good between us since she fell pregnant. I believe that the pregnancy and the appearance of holes in our relationship are not related. It is my understanding that the fault lines which occured simply coincided with the pregnancy. There is no correlation. What this comes down to, if we really dig deep, is our different ideals. Our different upbringings. Jenny has this dream of being a stay-at-home Mum like her sister and her mother before her. She has an idealistic approach to life which is admirable but not at all realistic. Welcome to the real world where the best laid plans are destroyed by a moment of madness or a word spoken in jest. Nothing is ever perfect, we each must strive to do the best we can with what we have. No more can be asked of us. I have always been independent. I left home many years ago. I lived in different cities and towns. I worked hard for where I am and what I have now. When I was young if I wanted anything I worked for it, I paid for it. I earned it. I never expected anything from anyone. Nor did I expect to just be handed my life on a silver platter. I have made mistakes but what I have now is mine and mine alone. Jenny never had to do this. Yes, I will give her her dues. She has worked for the last 12 years. But she has always been able to rely on others. Her mum and dad, and now me. But this is where the problem lies. I’m not going to carry any one. I want a relationship where my partner is equal to me. She does not have to earn the same money, but she needs to contribute to our life together. This is my foundation for a successful relationship and I do not have that with Jenny.
But anyway, back to the complication. How does one deal with the demise of a relationship when there is a child involved? I cannot simply walk away and I meant it when I told Jenny I still (and always will!!) love her. She is the mother of my child. We are connected. I do not hate her I do not dislike her, but I cannot live with her. If it was not for Thomas I think I would not be sat here on a Saturday afternoon agonising over what the fuck just happened. I would walk away. I have always been capable of that.
But this time I cannot.
It is important to note, it is important that Jenny knows this and it will be important for Thomas to eventually understand this too. I do not resent and regret anything that has happened here so far. I love my unborn son more than anything in the world and I always will love him. He is the most important thing in my life and always will be. I give thanks each day for Jenny and for Thomas. It is him that gives me the will to get up each day and fight on through the shit that is thrown at me.
Thinking about my Son makes me cry. I did not shed a tear as she was leaving but here I am, 29 years old and having to squint to see the fucking keyboard through the tears. I’ll leave it there. I need to go have a shower and freshen up. Need to get my thinking cap on.