It’s the end of the week and I have managed to remain successfully bored for the last five days. I have done the bare minimum to get by and I think that is going to be my plan for the remainder of my stay with this company. I need to get out, I’m looking to get out, I just need the right ticket. Until then I’ll come in and sit here and do what I need to do to stay unnoticed and out of trouble. It’s the quiet life I’m after as far as work is concerned, and it is the quiet life I am getting. Sometimes the boredom gets to me, but mostly I exist in a state of permanent not-giving-a-shit. It’s a good state of mind to adopt and one I used to apply to my entire existence rather than just one particular facet. I need to be mindful that the puddle of disinterest I hold at the centre of my working life does not bleed into other areas, but I think I am up to the task. If I keep busy, keep active outside of work, the barrier will remain.
As I sit here looking around this extended office that has been my ‘home’ for three years or more, I can’t help but feel a little sadness at the knowledge it is going to come to an end soon. My position has become one of utter frustration and anger at the system which I control through the constant reminder that it pays the bills. I have converted the anger and frustration into disinterest through an internal process I have developed over the years. I only let my feelings boil to the surface when I want them to. At all other times they remain firmly in check and controlled. This has certainly blunted my feelings. I believe that a consequence of holding in check the negative emotions is a depleting of the positive. My feelings of love, of joy, of happiness are reduced as are my feelings of hate, jealousy, greed, envy, disgust.
I am often accused of being unemotional and of not showing how I feel very well. Sometimes that in itself causes problems when people are unable to tell what I am thinking or guess how I am reacting internally to some event or comment. In addition, my shutting down of my emotions prevents me from understanding how others may react. I am often accused of going to far, or not taking others feelings into account. Recently I had to let a friend down and I felt the need to explain my reasons for letting him down. I did not think that my rationale would have been hurtful. I just didn’t think and I went ahead and did it. Maybe that’s just the way things are always going to be for me. Lost somewhere in the emotional wilderness. Unable to display my own and unable to read others. Neither loving or hating. Capable of hurting the people I care most about and caring little about the consequences of doing so.