I’m so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of ’em. We’re like the bullies of the world, you know. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet:
‘Pick it up.’
‘I don’t wanna pick it up mister, you’ll shoot me.’
‘Pick up the gun.’
‘Mister, I don’t want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, mister.’
‘Pick up the gun.’
‘You all saw him. He had a gun.’
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live … and shut your fucking mouth!
You know what causes sexual thoughts? I’m gonna clear the air for you tonight. I’m gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, ’cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let’s move on to real issues.
Here’s what causes sexual thoughts: Having a dick.
What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I’m losing some of you here, and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let’s talk about abortion. Let’s talk about child killing and see if we can’t get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let’s talk about mass murder of young, unborn children and see if we can’t coalesce into one big, healthy gutlaugh. Ha ha ha ha!
Boy, I’ve never seen an issue so divisive. It’s like a civil war, isn’t it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent; they’re totally divided on abortion. It’s unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people … are evil fucks. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house:
‘They’re annoying, they’re idiots.’
‘They’re evil, they’re fucks!’
Brothers, sisters, come together! Can’t we once just join hands and think of them as evil-annoying-idiot-fucks? I beseech you. But that’s me …
Here’s how I feel about gays in the military: anyone…DUMB ENOUGH to want to be in the military should be allowed in. End of fucking story. That should be the only requirement. I don’t care how many push-ups you can do, put on a helmet, go wait in that fox hole. We’ll tell you when we need you to kill somebody. I’ve been watching all these Congressional hearings, and all these military guys and all the pundits going,
‘The esprit de corps will be affected and we are such a moral…’
Excuse me, aren’t you all a bunch of fucking HIRED KILLERS? SHUT UP!
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! ‘Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options’.
And I knew Bill Clinton became one of the boys when he bombed Iraq. Remember that? It was just a little news story for two days, isn’t that interesting? He launched 22 cruise missiles against Baghdad in retalliation for the alleged assassination attempt against George Bush, which failed. We killed six innocent people, launching twenty two, I think three million dollars-a-piece missles on Baghdad, killing six innocent people. Umm … I think that’s a little bit overdoing it if you ask me. What we should have done is embarrass the Iraqis. And here’s how we should have done it: we should have assassinated Bush ourselves.
‘There, that’s how you do it, towel heads. Don’t fuck with us.’
And see, if it had been Bush who had died, there would have been no loss of innocent life.
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show, I went to a waffle house. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m eating, I’m alone and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me:
‘Hey, what you readin’ for?’
Is that like the weirdest fucking question you’ve ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading … for.
‘Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hm … I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is … so I don’t end up being a fucking waffle waitress.’
But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes:
‘Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.’
What the fuck’s going on here? It’s not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It’s a book!