It is also possible that I am full of shit and reading too much into a situation which should not have too much read into it and that the questioning was just idle curiosity with no hidden meaning or agenda and the comment was misconstrued.
Fuck it. Who cares?
I’m tired now. Feel shattered. I was up late playing computer games and smoking. I went through twenty last night between 1800 and 0230. Eventually managed to drag myself to bed at half two and slipped into a restless slumber which was broken at 0530 for some unexplained reason and then at 0700 by the wail of my alarm. I so did not want to get out of bed this morning but I did, and I even managed to eat something before leaving the house and leave in time to walk to work, collecting Jenny on the way. Now it’s 1219 and I have given up on getting anything else of substance done today. I am putting things off, politely throwing up excuses for why I cannot contact this customer or take a call from another. I do have stuff to do today, but everything today seems to have a dulled edge. I feel like I am wading waist deep through sand or murky water. I feel apathetic, sluggish, languid. Everything is going so slow.
Tonight I have to go to Jenny’s house to help her Dad sort out his phone/data cable issue and then go to see her Cousin for, I don’t know, a social visit, I guess. But I don’t want to. I don’t have the energy to engage in conversation with others today. I am happy to help get the phone issue fixed but then trailing over to someone else’s house, a strange house, and being polite, making conversation, feeling nervous because they are new people, isn’t standing out as the prime event of the day. I’m dreading it.
I wouldn’t normally. I can take to any social situation with ease and talk to anyone. I can hold a conversation with a kid, with a teenager, with someone my age and with older generations also. I can move between age groups and successfully engage anyone on any subject within my not inconsiderable intellectual range. But not today.
Today I want to curl up in front of the TV and fall asleep. Then wake at about 11 or midnight and slink off to a cool bed and fall into a deep restful sleep.
That will be my prime event of the day.
I guess I better try and get some work done.
EDIT: So tonight I don’t have to do anything but go home and sleep. I’ve put off the phone thing until tomorrow night instead.