. . .to still think about an ex. Especially one who you spent time with and shared life with. I still think about Sarah, sure I do. I still wonder how she is, what she is up to, how she is doing. You don’t just drop every single facet of your relationship with someone in an instant, not unless you are a complete emotionless freak. I’m not, for the most part, and I think it’s fine that she still enters my thoughts from time to time. This whole “he’s not over me/she’s not over me” bullshit is tiresome. I have moved on, she has moved on. I am seeing someone, she might be seeing someone, I have a life I am living to the best of my ability and I am sure she does to. Just because I am writing this or read her blog on occasion does not mean, by any stretch of the imagination, that I am not over her or something silly like that. Just because I am writing that I am over her is not me being in denial or any such crap. It is merely a statement of truth.
Yes, I have reacted with anger and with spite over some of the things I have seen or read or heard. That is simply a natural reaction to being made out to be the bad guy or to being the topic of conversation between two people who should probably have something else to talk about. Sure, some of the things I have written are hurtful and were meant to be. That doesn’t make me a bad person, it simply shows that I am human. . . after all.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for us to eventually be friends, or at least talk once more. I tried it once and this was the result:
Alan: good morning.
Alan: oh well, just thought i would say hello. someone needs to take the first step to stop the bullshit between us. have a good day i’ll be around if you would care to say “hi”.
Sarah: oh really. I don’t really care. If you want to be immature then that’s your problem, not mine.
That was at the beginning of this month and I guess I expected/hoped for something a little more, er, less hostile as a reaction. If you want to be immature, ‘by making an attempt to stop the bullshit and take the first step towards actually talking again without there being an atmosphere of distrust between us’, then that’s your problem, not mine.
Okay. . . I guess that doesn’t really make sense to me, but anyway.
Maybe it’s done for, finished, dead. Maybe I burned the bridges I later tried to cross. Maybe I hurt her so much that she cannot stand even talking to me. Maybe if I tried to talk to her face-to-face it would end with similar hostility as the above conversation (over IM) did, or maybe it would be welcomed and would make a start to mend the air of distrust/anger/contempt/whatever. I dunno.
Maybe there is no chance for us to be able to talk to each other, to pass the time of day, to at least be able to say ‘hello how are you I am fine’ when passing in the office.
Maybe I’ll never know.
Maybe I should make an effort to find out; but how?