I dunno, things are great, but they feel wrong. Like, we get on really well all the time and it is unnatural to me to be feeling content. I spent the last years of my life in conflict. Either online on the forums where I have a reputation as a hard-nosed bastard who fucks all over dissenters and rule breakers or in life where I spent the best part of the last two years in a relationship based on conflict, or internally, wrestling with my doubts and concerns; conflict has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember and now there isn’t any.
I’ve tried to involve myself in the DT crew’s frequent raids on other forums. Most recently over at wtf.com, but I cannot seem to bring myself to sustain any real interest in fucking with people. Am I going soft? Or am I just out of practice? I don’t know. Maybe the constant fighting has taken it’s toll and maybe it is me getting older now, but I don’t want to fight anymore yet I feel it is the one thing missing. Like the missing piece of the puzzle which is my mind. It’s a typical Catch-22 situation. I need it but I don’t want it. A bit like my increasing smoking habit, which threatens to spiral out of control at any time.
I haven’t quite figured out what I want to say. I have an alcohol addled brain and it is making reality decidedly fuzzy.
Okay, so to continue the ramble. Things between Jenny and I should be perfect. We have a perfect relationship and I love her more than I realise. At least, I think I do, maybe I do? I just don’t know any more. It’s fucking with my head trying to get a handle on these things. Maybe I moved forward too quickly when the best thing to do in the situation was stand still. Maybe the best form of action was inaction at the tumultuous end to my last relationship, but I did what I thought was right, what was best for me and I plunged into the next relationship with a firm idea of what I wanted, what we wanted. Jenny is, shit, she’s the greatest person I know and she is in my thoughts all the time and I want to be with her but sometimes I don’t. To clarify that last point; I want to be with her but I don’t want to be around her. I think all women have this inate desire to change the one they are with. To shape that person into what they want that person to be. Is she doing that to me? I don’t know. If so, it is a very subtle attempt. One that she is probably unaware of. But it is there nonetheless. In the back of my head. I try to resist. I like me, most of the time, even if others do not like me… most of the time.
Bleh, I’m rambling now. I ready to commit to this relationship. I’m ready to put my all into this relationship and give it my everything. She’s worth it. She’s worth the little sacrifices. She just needs to understand that sometimes I need a little bit of me time. Time where I fucking vent, let off steam, act like a giant fucking prick and generally be as big a cunt as I can manage.
I need it. I crave it. It is part of me.