January is finally over, and what a month it has been. I have spent some time today looking back on the events of this month and marvelling at how I went from being at possibly the lowest ebb to being back on top of my game in the space of 30 days. If someone had told me, on New Year’s Eve, that I would find happiness within the space of a month I would have thought them insane. It wasn’t possible, was it? I goddam think it was!!
At the turn of the New Year I was in a sham of a relationship, unhappy at home. My life was one big argument. I discovered, quite recently, that my last relationship was based on conflict and aggression. We would fight with each other over any little thing. Please, please, understand that I am not attempting to apportion blame for the break down we went through. I am not and I never will be. Other people who know us may, or may not, form opinions on what happened and who’s fault it was. They may, or may not, be led to the conclusion they reach by others with a vested interest in distorting the truth. Whatever you may think about what happened, whatever your opinion may be, whatever version of events you believe, I don’t care all that much. I know what happened, and I know that no-one was ‘at fault’. But, I digress.
Conflict, aggression, falling out, arguments, that was our life together. Just last week I had to visit Sarah at work (and I have been trying not to see her unless absolutely necessary) in order to get a form signed to have the telephone transferred from her to me. At the same time I asked for the door key back, and I had to stop myself from starting an argument over it. I wanted to argue over something as small as that. I mean, what the fuck, man? Fighting over a broken relationship is like crying over spilt milk; a bit silly. But that is just the way we were. Always fighting, perpetual conflict. I admit I have found it difficult to adjust. I have talked to Rachel at length about the situation and about my apparent attitude change at work. I have been guilty, recently, of trying to cause conflict with the people I work with. Is this because the conflict was kicked from my life at the same time as Sarah was? I think so. . . I think I had grew so used to hostility that I started to crave it, like a smoker craves nicotine.
But that time is over for me now. I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and I am running toward it now. I have gone from bitching to serenity, from anger to contentment. I have happiness, I have peace, I have all the things I could ever want in a partner.
I have my life back. . .
I just hope that the rest of 2006 is as positive as January has been.