Advice for Sarah

Since you seem to be intent on giving advice to people who do not wish for it, I figured it was only right that I returned the favour. Even if you do not want to hear this you may find that it is good for you.

1) Stop dressing like a man. Men like women, not little boys (well, some like little boys but most do not). So stop dressing like a male and at least try to be reasonably feminine.

2) Get a boob job. You have breasts of a man-child. Do something about it. Also, please try to get them evened out a bit. One is small, the other is no more than an empty bag of skin. I didn’t take enough notice of you to be able to tell you which one is which, but if you look in a mirror, because there is no point in looking down (is there?), you will see what I mean.

3) Get liposuction. You’re twenty-two, not fifty-two, so why you have the arse and thighs of a middle-aged, fat, mother of three is perplexing. There is something that can be done about it. Visit a plastic surgeon and get thighs back which don’t look out of place on someone your age.

4) Stop hanging around with that fat person. Do you think guys want to talk to you when you have some fat, ugly, desperate guy with issues with you? Neither do I.

5) Taking me on in a game of being offensive or insulting is not a good idea. I will bury you, you fucking whore.

6) Don’t be so easy. Honey, I fucked you on the first night. I had known you less than four hours. Despite that, and despite your insistence that you were a good girl, I still managed to fuck you silly all night long. Maybe you should get a bit of fucking self respect and not put out so easily. Nobody likes a whore.

7) There is now surgery you can get which tightens the vagina. You should consider it.

8) Please, for the love of God, visit a psychiatrist or councillor before embarking on another relationship. You are a control freak and wound so tight that I think you might break. Shit, you get upset when there is no milk, for fuck’s sake. Do you think that is normal? Is it rational? It is not. You need to have your head examined and maybe should embark on a series of visits to a councillor to help you come to terms with why your Mother used to beat the shit out of you whilst your Dad paid no attention at the other side of the country.

9) Thrush is an STD. You should get that sorted out so you don’t pass it on to anyone else.

10) Start acting your age. I know you are only twenty-two and therefore prone to attacks of childishness, but there is a line between having fun in an immature fashion and acting like a spoiled brat, fourteen year old who has just been told she hasn’t got her own way. Never, in all my days, have I met someone as emotionally immature as you.

11) Spitefulness is not clever. Telling Andy about Jenny and I was one of the lowest points you could have sunk to. For all you knew he would have been upset by your little game. It’s fucking disgusting that you would do that to him, that you would try to use him as a pawn in this game you insist on playing. Why can’t you learn that people don’t appreciate having some highly-strung whore interfering in their business? I believe, however, that Andy told you he didn’t give a shit. How that must have pissed you off. Which brings me to the next point.

12) Get over yourself already. Your friends are all men because women despise you for being a prissy, pretentious little whore. The guys who are your friends are only your friend because they think it is cool to have a female friend. It’s a poor substitute for pussy, but it is all your sad fuck buddies are going to get.


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