Okay, Rant Time

Old people doing jobs that require the mind of a younger person

The guy who sits next to me at work is seriously past it. He’s over sixty now and trying to work with technology that is beyond his understanding. Twice last week and again this morning I have had to help him to explain something very simple. Like, yes, the device does include a fucking sim card because without a fucking sim card it will not fucking work. And, no, you need to click there in order to see the rest of the email sending options you walking advertisement for euthanasia. I’m baby-sitting an antique. This is not what I signed up for.


Think about the guy on Big Brother. The fucker with the ‘friendly’ voice. This is apparently what we associate with the Geordie accent, friendship, warmth. Maybe it’s because they all sound so fucking simple. Have you ever tried to have an intellectual discussion with a Geordie? I have. The dialect consists of random clicks, whoops and grunts. It’s like trying to discuss world politics with a Neanderthal; pointless.

In my work I talk to Geordies every day. I resent each and every one of the stupid sounding fuckers. They’re even worse than the Irish. Trying to get sense out of a Geordie is like trying to get money out of a Jew. Impossible.

Christmas Shopping

I fucking hate this time of year. It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s wet, and I am compelled by society to spend my hard earned money on gifts for people. I only like spending my money on me, not on others, but what the fuck, it’s Christmas after all. I hate that. I hate how people use Christmas to justify being sickeningly nice to each other. “Merry Christmas!! I hope you have a Happy New Year!!” This from the fucker who hasn’t talked to me all year and now because of a bullshit religious turned commercial celebration feel she needs to wish me a happy holiday season. I don’t care, I’m not interested. I despised you last week, and I will continue to despise you through out the coming month and into 2006. Please don’t pretend that just because it is the season of good will (what a fucking joke) you suddenly like me once more. There is nothing I hate more than a Christmas hypocrite. If you are going to be a hypocrite, at least be one throughout the year. The least you can be, cunt, is consistent.

People in stupid jobs who attempt to justify their hefty salaries through bullshit tasks

In particular, the position of ‘Communications Manager’. The thing our Communications manager did most recently to justify why she should remain employed and paid was name two websites;

Show Biz and Its [sic] Miller Time

I imagine you are as stunned as I was by the creativity displayed.

. . .

I can’t blame her though. If this company is going to be stupid enough to employ someone to think of stupid names for stupid websites then she is right to take advantage of that. You go, girl!

People who bring children into the work place

This is not a crèche. Please take your snivelling, snot-encrusted, disgusting child out of the fucking office. People are trying to work.

Novelty Ties

If you insist on wearing a tie when all around are not. Please have the decency and presence of mind to wear something which isn’t offensive to the entire human race. If I see anyone else wearing a Simpson’s Christmas, or musical tie, I’ll strangle the fucker with it.

People who say “I want to die” in an attempt to illicit sympathy.


2 thoughts on “Okay, Rant Time

  1. That guy sat next to you called me yesterday, to ask how a company gets OWE. Moron, I sent him back to the companies sales person to draw up a contract.


  2. Geordies aren’t all the same, I know you are the king of flame and shit but you are being a bit stereotypical there.. I’m a proud born and bred Geordie and to be honest, I’ve never encountered anyone with a dialect as you described. And I’d guess the one’s who do actually talk like that are probably not worth listening to in the first place.

    Alan, c’mon.. You’re better than that. No need to paint a whole region of people one colour because of a few ignorant twats you’ve had the misfortune to talk to at work..




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