Sometimes I hate myself

Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on in my head sometimes. Went out straight from work last night, got drunk, went over to see Sarah. She’d been drinking too, and I don’t think it was a great situation to be in. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty recently, trying to keep my head above water and I feel like I’m failing. I’m failing Sarah, failing my Mum, failing my brother, I don’t know how to fix the things that are wrong in my head.

I’m having some serious money issues right now. Broke, flat broke and still weeks and weeks until pay day. I have a damn party to go to in a couple of weeks, I need to buy something to wear, it’s my Brother’s birthday soon too, and I don’t know what the hell I am going to do for a gift. Of course, smoking doesn’t help, I should quit. I’d be much better off if I quit. At this rate I won’t have any option but to quit. I simply can’t afford to keep going. I spend money like it is going out of fashion. I can’t save for shit, and paying £400 this week to have a bathroom fitted hurt my bank balance. If I hadn’t had to pay for that I’d be fine, but I did. It had to be done. If only I could get my loan finished. If only I could get the fuckers to give me the money now now now! Everythuing would be alright. Everything will be alright, if I can just get them to pay me the fucking money!

Sarah, I love her so much and I want to be with her, but I can’t help but feel like I disappoint her at every turn. She’s such a wonderful person, she only wants the best for me, for us. And yet I seem intent on ruining everything. On fucking it up. Why? Why!? I don’t know.

My head hurts and I feel sick. Drinking is not a good thing to do. Last night I got pretty emotional when Sarah said that she thought I felt remorse over not seeing my Gran enough before she died. She’s right, I do, and I hate myself for it. She tried to comfort me but I pushed her away. I didn’t want to, but I needed to wallow in self pity. Shit, I’m a mess. I need to take stock of my life and THINK about all the good things in my life. I need to think about what I do and how it effects those I care about. I know that people are concerned for me. I know my Mum is, I know Sarah is, I know Michael is, but I am so selfish. I feel selfish. I feel like I take everything and everyone for granted and I don’t want to. I often think I am a bad person. I often think that I don’t deserve the good people in my life. I know that if I was to lose Sarah and would sink. I would fail at life. I don’t want to lose her and I need to start to think about the consequances of my actions. I need to think about what it mens to her when I say things which are hurtful. I need to start to understand how it makes her feel when I allow my mood and my emotions to take over and I say stupid things.

She needs to know what she means to me. She needs to know that I am just a stupid, foolish man and that I sometimes say things I shouldn’t, but that deep down I love her more than anything else in my life.

It’s time to get moving. What film had the line in it, “Get busy living or get busy dying”? That’s what I need to do. Get busy LIVING. Planning my life and future with the woman I love. Think positive Alan. Move forward, not back. Don’t let the bastards grind you down. You are stronger than this. You need to remember that and understand that whatever life throws at you, you can defeat and you will come out the other side a stronger, wiser person.

Must go. I have a life to live.

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