Hmm… It’s 19:23 and I have just woken up. My sleep pattern is completely fucked due to last night’s marathon. No sleep until 4am, woken at 10am by burglar alarm in the neighbourhood, power goes out at 2pm, read for a bit, fall asleep, wake up 10 minutes ago. Won’t sleep tonight, vicious circle continues… My head is spinning and I have that heavy feeling in my gut making movement difficult. My body aches and my brain aches too. I need some outlet for the frustration I am feeling at certain events and I can’t seem to find it.
Tomorrow is the one week anniversary of the death of my Gran and my mother still hasn’t left the house. She feels shaky when she even contemplates being out in public. The death of her Mother has hit her like a 40 tonne truck at 50 mph. She’s reeling and struggling to come to terms with it. I too, am having difficulty accepting that she is gone; despite being a realist and understanding that this is the way of the world. It’s life, we all die.
That doesn’t make it any easier.
I have taken the rest of the week off work because I cannot face dealing with the petty shit I am forced to deal with. “Your phone doesn’t work? Tough, my Gran just died, have a fucking heart…” That kind of thing. I should be over this. I know it was a release. I know she is at peace. And despite my mind set, I know that I just rhymed. What does one do, how does one recover from the loss of a loved one? Time, they say, is a great healer, and I know I will be healed. My concern is primarily not for me, it is for my Mother. A child’s love for her Mother is a special kind of love, especially when that Mother is as wonderful, strong, loving, and wise, as Gran was. It’s a shitty situation. I wish I had the ability to make everything alright.
According to Sarah, I’m treading on thin ice, sometimes I think she has difficulty seeing past her own needs. On Sunday we ‘celebrated’ the end of our first year together. That is, it was recognised and remembered, but due to recent events I didn’t want to do anything. It seems that despite what has recently happened, despite Granny passing away, despite the mental state of my Mother, and despite not being able to face work, I should be happy and willing to go out and celebrate. If it hadn’t been the works party on the 4th of September, I probably wouldn’t have even remembered that it was our anniversary. Sarah posted on the DT Forums something like:
I’m the only one who gives a shit that it was our anniversary.
She subsequently deleted it, but not before I saw it and was hurt by what I read. I do care that we have been together for a year. I do recognise that it is an achievement to be proud of, and I do believe it is something to celebrate. It is something I would have celebrated if I had not just lost my Grandmother! Something like a loss such as this hits you hard. I had hoped that Sarah could understand how I am feeling right now, but apparently not.
On Friday I am going to the funeral of my Gran, but more importantly, the funeral of my Mother’s Mother. That is more important than anything else right now. It is more important than me, more important than Sarah, more important than work. I have to get through it and I have to be strong for my Mother and my family. When I come out the other end I will be in a better position to deal with whatever relationship crisis befalls me. Until then, I just need some space to gather my thoughts and mentally prepare.